Friday, February 22, 2008

LRA-Uganda Govt Deal

Full statement of new govt-LRA deal

IMPLEMENTATION PROTOCOL TO THE AGREEMENT ON COMPREHENSIVE SOLUTIONS

This Implementation Protocol (the Protocol) to the Agreement on Comprehensive Solutions (the Principal Agreement) signed between the Government of the Republic of Uganda (the Government) and the Lord's Resistance Army/Movement (LRA/M) (the Parties) on 2nd of May 2007 provides as follows:

THE PARTIES AGREE as follows:
1. This Protocol sets out the framework by which the principles and commitments agreed in the Principal Agreement are to be implemented.The contents of the Protocol shall not in any way limit the application of that Agreement, whose provisions are to be implemented in full.


Participation in National Politics and Institutions (Principal Agreement: Part C)
2. In recognition of the Constitutional obligation to reflect the National Character, the Government in making public appointments shall ensure commensurate representation of the people from the conflict-affected areas.

3. In furtherance of the above provision, the liaison mechanism referred to in clause 37 (c) of this Protocol shall recommend to the Government names of persons from the conflict-affected areas to be considered for appointment into political posts as well as the public and diplomatic services; provided that any appointments made shall be based on merit and in accordance with the laws of Uganda.

Referral to Equal Opportunities Commission
4. During the implementation of the Final Peace Agreement, the Government shall ensure that the Equal Opportunities Commission is appointed and becomes operational.

5. In accordance with section 5 of the Equal Opportunities Commission Act, the Government shall consider for appointment persons from North and North Eastern Uganda to the Equal Opportunities Commission.

6. The Government shall in accordance with clauses 4, 5 and 6.1 of the Principal Agreement refer to the Equal Opportunities Commission the question of any regional or ethnic imbalances and disparities in participation in Government departments and institutions.

7. The Government shall act expeditiously on the recommendations of the Equal Opportunities Commission.

8. The Government shall facilitate any Ugandan living abroad who wishes to return to Uganda, and shall protect the personal security of those who return.

Education and Training
9. The Government shall adopt and actively promote a policy for increasing access to tertiary education and training for persons from the conflict-affected areas. This shall include the provision of additional scholarships to be allocated according to districts.

Judiciary and Policing Issues (Principal Agreement: Clause 7)

10. The Government will strengthen the institutions of justice in the conflict-affected areas especially through the programmes of the Justice, Law and Order Sector.

11. The Government will strengthen the deployment of the Uganda Police Force in the conflict-affected areas.

Institutional Arrangements for Security Organs (Principal Agreement: Clause 8)
12. The Government shall continue to ensure that the composition of the armed forces and other security agencies reflects the national character; including regional and gender diversity.

13. In furtherance of Clause 8.2 of the Principal Agreement, the Government shall assess the experience and rank of former LRA combatants and integrate into the armed forces or other security agencies any combatants who are willing to join.

14. LRA combatants who join in accordance with the above paragraph shall be afforded the opportunity to undertake training or promotional programmes.

15. The treatment of other LRA combatants shall be determined in accordance with other agreements and arrangements.

Return, Resettlement and Rehabilitation of Internally Displaced Persons (Principal Agreement: Part D)
16. The Government shall develop and implement a strategy for assisting the return and resettlement of internally displaced persons (IDPs) from the affected areas in accordance with the IDP policy. In implementing the strategy, the needs of IDPs who have already returned will be taken into account to ensure equitable support for resettlement.

17. The Government shall facilitate the process of the return of any internally displaced persons in accordance with the terms of the Internally Displaced Persons' Policy.

Economic and Social Development of North and North Eastern Uganda (Principal Agreement: Part E)
18. The Government shall promote recovery programmes in the affected areas, and in particular, shall implement the Peace, Recovery and Development Plan (PRDP) expeditiously, and will further ensure that the Plan reflects the principles and commitments of this agreement.

Business incentives
19. The Government shall support business and investment initiatives in the conflict-affected areas and shall identify and commit special funds to the implementing agency for that purpose.

Environment
20. The Government shall promote policies and programmes to address and mitigate any adverse environmental impacts of the conflict.

Institutional Framework (Principal Agreement: Clause 11)
21. The programmes for recovery of the affected areas as set out in Part E of the Principal Agreement shall be implemented through the agency and mechanisms identified in Clause 11 of the Principal Agreement.

22. The Government shall prepare and introduce legislation forestablishing the agency and the relevant mechanisms, and shall ensure that the agency commences its work as soon as possible after the enactment of the legislation.

23. The mechanism of implementation will ensure easy access to dedicated funds by communities in the conflict affected areas for their resettlement and for the enhancement of productive capacities.
24. The Legislation establishing the agency will provide for the adoption of sound management and accountability controls.

25. In the appointment of officers to the above agency, the Government shall give particular consideration to persons from the conflict-affected areas with the required qualifications and experience.

Victims and Vulnerable Groups (Principal Agreement: Clause 12)
26. The Parties agree that the Government shall develop and implement a policy for the support and rehabilitation of the victims of the conflict.

27. The policy for the support of victims and vulnerable persons and the mechanisms for its implementation shall be consistent with the principles and mechanisms relating to the Agreement on Accountability and Reconciliation.

28. The policy shall include, and the Government shall establish, a special fund for victims, out of which reparations shall be paid, including reparations ordered to be paid by an institution established pursuant to the Agreement on Accountability and Reconciliation.

Livestock (Principal Agreement: Clause 13)
29. The Government shall implement the restocking programme under the supervision of the implementing agency identified in clause 11 of the Principal Agreement, and in accordance with clause 13 of the Principal Agreement.

Transitional Security Arrangements (Principal Agreement: Part F)
30. The agreement between the Parties on disarmament, demobilisationand reintegration shall specify the arrangements to ensure the safety of members of the LRA.

Issues Relating to Land (Principal Agreement: Clause 14)
31. The Government shall ensure that landowners whose lands have been used for the benefit of displaced persons or otherwise appropriated during the conflict are duly compensated or receive redress in accordance with the terms of the Principal Agreement.

32. The Government will give priority to strengthening the capacity of District Land Boards and other tribunals in the affected areas to oversee and adjudicate cases of land ownership and disputes.33. The implementing agency referred to in Clause 11 of the Principal Agreement shall monitor any redress relating to land.

Stakeholders' Conference and Implementation (Principal Agreement: Clause 17)
34. The Mediator shall receive from the Parties, as appropriate, reports on the status of the implementation of the Agreement, and shall liaise with the Parties on the preparations for the stakeholders' conference provided for in Clause 17 of the Principal Agreement.35. The full implementation of this Agreement shall commence upon the final disarmament of all members of the LRA under the Final Peace Agreement.

General Provisions36.
In the appointment of members and staff of any implementation bodies envisaged by this Agreement, overriding consideration shall be given to the competences and skills required for the office, sensitivity to the candidate's knowledge of the affected areas, and gender balance.

37. In subsequent agreements, the Parties shall make further provisions relating to the implementation of this agreement, to include the following:
(a) observation and monitoring mechanisms;
(b) a transitional period after the signing of the Final Peace Agreement;
(c) joint liaison and advisory arrangements for implementation of the Final Peace Agreement; and
(d) further timeframes for implementing provisions of the agreement.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF the duly authorised representatives of the Parties have signed this Protocol in Juba on the 22nd day of February 2008

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Friday, February 15, 2008

Identity Crisis

I first wrote a draft of this blog in Feb 2008, i realised i didnt return to complete this. Even if you do not get anything from this article, at least I have given hope to those who do not trust themselves that they finish something!

I have realised that Ugandans want to identify with something nice or someone famous! Is it because they derive their sense of identity from that! Are we facing an identity crisis?

Are we a classic case of a people who have lost it? Is it because we do not know where to turn to for good news, or for some sort of self worth? Alot of times, we seek our worth from something out there, something very superficial!

The reason why i am saying is that, i was a bit perplexed and surprised when I read a story in the local paper, that students from Makerere University have formed Obama Solidarity Group (OSP. The aim of this support group, which launched its campaigns at Makerere University on January 18 was to mobilise support for Kenyan born- senator, Barack Obama who is vying for the US presidency. Now this is a big joke.

Reading comments by Mr Silver Mulindwa, a Third Year student, and one ot its founder members made me a laugh. He said, "Our group has been formed to see that our candidate gets support from not only Americans but other parts of the world including Uganda because he is a symbol of Africa in a western democracy," He continues, "We have campaigned among the Americans working in Uganda and they have shown support for the candidate." Now this is uttter madness!

Mr Mulindwa claims they have distributed 4,000 copies of flyers, 1,000 badges, 800 car stickers and hundreds of posters to the American citizens, diplomats, academicians, scholars and businesses in Kampala.
"This is voluntary work," Mr Mulindwa said when asked about the campaign financiers. "We receive modest donations from the American friends and other well wishers." He claims that at Makerere University alone, there are two groups that have been formed to campaign for Obama.

We need to get a grip of our selves!!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

The Kington letters: Final words of a comic genius (part 3)

17 December 2007

Dear Gill,
Whenever I attend someone's memorial service, and people make witty, anecdotal, tearful, movingly comic speeches by the great and the good in memory of the late departed, I am always struck by one notable absence among the great and the good.
The late lamented himself.
Or herself.
Wouldn't it be great, I think, to have a short contribution from the person in whose honour we are all gathered, so that we could hear him once again telling one or two of his favourite stories, making caustic remarks about the other speakers and generally reminding us of why we all miss him so much?
Or her?
They do it at awards ceremonies. If someone gets a top award and can't be there for the actual ceremony, they very often manage to get the winner to do a brief video or film clip, shot on location in Mozambique, lamenting their absence and very often saying something wittier and more cogent than if they had been up on the podium in person.
So why can't they do it at memorial services? Or even at funerals? Instead of the clergyman who obviously never knew the late lamented, would it not be possible to have the lamented doing a brief last appearance instead?
For the last two or three years I have been daydreaming off and on about how I could contrive to be present at my own service.
The answer is quite simple.
Make a video in advance of my farewell speech, to be shown on a monitor from the pulpit, or on a screen behind the stage, or wherever the best place would be.
I have already visualised the opening shot.
It is of me, smiling ruefully, and saying to camera: "Hello. I'm sorry I couldn't be here in person with you today..."
That much is definite. The rest of the script remains vague. I always swore I would get down to it one day, and I still haven't, which sums up the life of the freelance writer pretty well. "When he died, he was still working on his farewell speech..."
I once touched on this idea when I was having lunch with Douglas Adams. I didn't know Douglas very well, but I liked him a lot. We were having an argument about gravestones, which he said were a waste of time and a useless Victorian survival, and should not be continued with.
I said they didn't have to be useless. It was merely the fault of the lazy masons and undertakers that they had never kept up with the times.
"What do you mean by that?" he said.
"Well," I said, "gravestones still give out the same ludicrously rudimentary information that they did 200 years ago. Date of birth. Date of death. First names. Name of loved ones left behind. A pious message, perhaps. That was it. Obituaries have moved on. It's about time headstones did."
"Yes, but how...?"
"Easy," I said. "What you should install in a headstone is a small screen and and a ten-minute video of the guy's life. The stone itself gives the basic details, but if you want more than that, you push the little button which says 'Press Here For Life Highlights', and the screen lights up and you find yourself watching a ten-minute résumé of the man's life. Maybe it wouldn't be free. Maybe you would have to put a £1 coin in, to go towards grave upkeep."
Douglas thought this would be a very good idea, and that it might even give a new meaning to the word "grave-robber", meaning someone who broke into an ObitView device and took the cash.
ObitView? Gravestone News? AdieuView? Well, whatever the name, I can see a fortune waiting to be made from the idea and whoever makes it, it won't be me, and it won't be Douglas.
I wonder, as a matter of interest, how Douglas finally decided he himself wanted to be memorialised, and what sort of memorial stone guards his resting place. And what it says on it.
You have got more time than I have to find out, Gill, and better contacts too.
Love, Miles

15 January 2008

Dear Gill,
I went to see my oncologist in hospital earlier this week, and we talked about this and that, and the importance of catching cancer early, which I found a bit annoying as they had not caught my cancer early, but it turned out he was just filling in time and wanted to talk to me about something quite different.
"Miles," he said, which he only calls me when we have moved on to safe topics, "tell me, are you still writing your book? The book about cancer you mentioned before?"
"Yes," I said. "Well, I am still firing some ideas at my agent..."
"Ah!" he said. "So you have an agent, then?"
"Yes," I said.
"Good," he said, and then stopped.
"Is that all?" I said.
"Yes," he said.
Then he shook his head.
"No," he said. "Look, the thing is, I have been writing this book of mine on cancer for several years now, looking at all the new treatments that have come along, because I know a lot about cancer and I think I have got the material for a really good book about it. But I am not good about publishing books, and I don't know how to set about it."
"Well," I said, "it's the same for everyone, really. You get a good idea. You do some writing. You get an agent interested, and the agent then gets some publisher interested. . . "
"Hold on there!" said the oncologist. "You've missed out a vital bit of information there!"
"Have I?"
"Yes. You haven't mentioned the name of the agent."
"Oh. Sorry. What is the name of the agent?"
"I don't know," said the oncologist. "I only know about cancer. You're the one that knows about books and agents."
Slowly, a kind of greeny, dim light began to dawn. What was happening was that my oncologist was appealing to me for help with his book. He seemed to think that I might be able to help him get his book published. A diabolical sort of bargain was in the offing whereby he would advise me about cancer while in return I would...
"Look, Dr Benton," I said, "..."
"Call me David," he said.
"Is David your name?" I said, surprised.
He didn't seem like a David to me. He seemed a little doubtful himself.
"I'll just check," he said.
He turned to his desk and tapped away at his computer. This is one thing I have discovered this year about the NHS and, indeed, all hospital-based medicine nowadays: that the doctor feels he has to check everything with his computer and his database before he quite dare say or do anything. That little screen in the corner is the key to all he needs to know, as long as he can remember how to access it.
"Oh, dear," he said. "I think I've forgotten my password again. I had to change it before I went on holiday last time, and I keep forgetting what the new one is."
"David," I said.
"Yes?" he said.
"No," I said. "I am wondering if your new password might not be David."
"Oh, of course. Yes, it is," he said. "How on earth did you know that?"
"People quite often choose their own name for their password," I said. "It's very unsafe, but they do."
Having established that his name was David, Dr Benton now turned his attention back to the missing agent, and to try to establish a name for them as well, which he thought I had the key to.
"You see," he said, "if only I had the right agent, I think this book on cancer would be a winner."
There then followed five minutes of close fencing, in the course of which he as good as suggested that I put him in touch with you, and I as good as suggested that my doing so would endanger our relationship for all time.
"Have you not heard of the Euroclitic Oath?" I said, improvising desperately.
"Euroclitic? What's that?"
"It's the sacred oath which all writers have to sign with their agents."
"Like the Hippocratic Oath?"
"Oh, much more serious than that," I said. "It involves... "
I was about to tell him that it involved cutting your wrist slightly and then mingling your life bloods, until I realised that he would not find this at all impressive as doctors did that kind of thing all day long, often merely by accident.
"It involves swapping bank account numbers and exchanging vital financial fluids, and things like that," I said.
He looked revolted.
"Well," he said," do you think that if you consulted your agent, he might put me on to the right person?"
"She."
"What?"
"Not a he. A she."
"Your agent is a woman?"
I had an overwhelming temptation to say, "I'll check", turn to a computer in the corner and access a database to make sure you were a woman, but unfortunately I hadn't got a computer with me.
"Yes," I said.
"I see," he said.
I don't know what he meant by that.
That is how things stand at the moment. If you don't mind, I would rather not put him in touch with you. I am happy for you to get a bestseller on cancer published, but I would much rather it were by me than by my oncologist. Tell me you agree. And remember the old Euroclitic Oath which binds us so closely.
Love, Miles

The Kington letters: Final words of a comic genius (part 2)

27 November 2007
Dear Gill,
On the Kennet and Avon Canal near where I live, at occasional intervals along the picturesque towpath, there is the odd bench to sit on. Not generally provided by British Waterways, but by relatives who wanted to provide a memorial to their late departed loved one. You know that, because they generally have engraved brass plates on them:
"TO ALAN BROWN, WHO LOVED THIS CANAL", "IN MEMORY OF ALAN BROWN, WHO LOVED THIS PARTICULAR SPOT", or even, in one uninspired case, "TO ALAN BROWN".
These benches are quite useful. I have often myself used them as a place to do up my shoes on, or to sit on and write notes of stuff going round in my head during a bike ride. I have often found that the mind goes into free wheel more easily on a bike ride than anywhere else in the world, and you get some really good thoughts up there on the saddle. Indeed, some of the ideas in these letters first saw the light of scribble on one of those benches.
So, if there is any money accruing from any of the books which I may have written as a consequence of any of these letters which I have written to you, between now and my death, I would like you to arrange for a bench to be bought and dedicated to me along the canal. And I would like the following wording to be carved on the bench, or, better, put on that small plaque: "IN FOND MEMORY OF MILES KINGTON, WHO HATED THIS SPOT, BECAUSE THERE WAS NEVER ANYWHERE TO SIT DOWN AND ENJOY IT FROM".
It doesn't matter where you put the bench, as long as there isn't one there already. I'm afraid this isn't an idea for a book, only an idea on how to spend the royalties. Oh, well.
Love, Miles
5 December 2007
Dear Gill,
When you've been diagnosed with cancer (a phrase I still can't think of a good euphemism for, even though everyone I meet can think of a bad one), one of the most annoying books in the world suddenly turns out to be 1,000 Places To See Before You Die.
Have you come across this? It's a fat American paperback which lists a thousand of the most remarkable sights in the world, natural or man-made, from canyons to cathedrals.
We have had a copy of this book knocking around our hall for a year now, on the shelves where we tend to keep the travel guides. It was certainly there before the oncologist drew on his little black cap and pronounced sentence. Until that moment I quite approved of the idea of the book. Here we all were, with twenty or thirty more years to live, and it was about time we started concentrating on using those fallow years to get to places we have been too lazy, poor or blasé to have a look at so far. 1,000 Places To See Before You Die. Ha ha. But very useful and full of ideas.
When I learnt I'd got cancer, the book suddenly looked very different. Threatening. Humourless. Grimly prescient. 1,000 Places to See Before You Die. Nasty. Fun-free. Evil.
"We know you are going to die," it seemed to say, "and we know you haven't got anything like enough time to see a hundred worthwhile places, let alone a thousand, so you're up against it, aren't you, pal? A lot of drastic choosing and travelling to do, haven't you? You're going to have to decide what to see next while you're already en route to the previous place. And every time you browse through the book, trying to make up your mind, you're wasting the time and chance to see somewhere. Get a move on, because while you sit there dithering... Oops – there goes the Taj Mahal!"
It would be immensely satisfying if I could round up a few fellow sufferers to mount a lawsuit against this preposterous volume, put together by one Patricia Schulz, and dubbed a "No 1 New York Times Bestseller", on the grounds that it caused intense suffering to those who are about to die and haven't a hope in hell of seeing all those places. Luckily for her, I have many enticing things to do with my remaining time; taking money from Miss P Schulz and then handing it all straight over to my lawyers is not one of them. Are not one of them. Are not two of them.
Having browsed grimly through "A Traveller's Life List", as la Schulz subtitles her remorseless catalogue of treasures, I am relieved to find that, were I to take this over-inflated travel magazine article seriously, I could do some crossing off the list already and reduce the number from a thousand to nearer nine hundred and ninety. Yes, I have been to one or two of Schulz's Sights already. Machu Picchu. Salisbury Cathedral. Wells Cathedral. The Schwe Dagon Pagoda in Rangoon. Loch Ness. The Moscow Underground... (Starting to run out now...)
Two of these I can even bracket together. In 1980 I was lucky enough to be taken by the BBC to Peru as the presenter of "Three Miles High", one of the programmes in the "Great Railway Journeys" series. Our trip passed through Machu Picchu at one point, and allowed me to see the Lost City of the Incas and the legendary craftmanship that fitted those great massive stones together so snugly, and all without the use of any adhesive.
"Is it not remarkable," said an expert to me as we stood and surveyed the remains, "that six hundred years ago another civilisation unknown to ours could construct something so brilliant?"
If he hadn't said it, I might have agreed with him.
As it was, the spirit of rebellion suddenly moved within me.
"No," I said. "Not really. At about the same time as they were building Machu Picchu, or even earlier, we in Britain had pretty much finished Salisbury Cathedral. Give me Salisbury Cathedral any day. It makes Machu Picchu look like a child's toy."
How smug I felt. And I was right, of course. The main reason that Machu Picchu looks so good, apart from its dramatic position, is that you don't expect people in the South American jungle to be building stonework like that six hundred years ago, certainly not up a mountain, and you don't expect it to be lost for centuries until American adventurer Hiram Bingham blinks in the middle of a wood, and realises he is surrounded by some nice old remains and that from now on Yanks won't have to go to Europe for all their historical kicks any more.
It's still pretty basic stuff, Machu Picchu.
Imagine if you were stumbling through the forests of Peru and came across Salisbury Cathedral standing there, whole and entire, brightly maintained, with a notice at the door saying: "While we do not charge for admission, we hope for a contribution of at least £5 from each person", then you would be entitled to say "Holy Moley", have a small nervous breakdown, clasp cold flannels to your forehead, phone everyone at home saying: "Look at this little photo I've just taken!", or whatever is your preferred reaction to joyous shock.
Salisbury Cathedral beats a full house, four queens, five aces and Machu Picchu. (It was stressed to me in Peru that Machu Picchu was not actually the only Lost City of the Incas. I was also taken to see a place called Sachsahuaman, which is full of similarly amazing stonework and, being much less frequented by tourists, is much more tranquil and atmospheric. Oddly, it is not nearly so remote as Machu Picchu, being almost within walking distance of Cuzco. It reminds me that in Wiltshire local people will always advise you against going to the full tourist horror of Stonehenge and urge you instead to visit Avebury, which is not quite so sensational a Stone Age site but more attractive and, being enmeshed in a village, much less like a museum site, and – hey! I wonder if there's a pattern here? Do you think there are enough places throughout the world which are as good as their more famous counterparts to justify a book on them? A book called A Thousand Places To See Before You Die Which Are Pretty Much as Good as Patty Schulz's Top Thousand and Not Half As Crowded? Just a thought...)
The odd thing is that I do live in Wiltshire myself and am barely an hour from Salisbury, yet I think I have been inside Salisbury Cathedral only once in my life. I have often seen it from the distance, and occasionally from close up, if you can ever properly see a cathedral from close up, and it really is the most extraordinary, floating, extra-terrestrial, perfect, fantastical stone space ship you could want. Yet I could only be bothered to go in it once. And that was while I still lived in London, and was just passing through Wiltshire!
That's the other thing they say, of course, that people who live nearby never go. It is legendarily rare to find a Londoner who has been to the Tower of London (and then only if taking a visitor there). I have in-laws called Keith and Belinda who live less than an hour's drive from Niagara Falls, and boy, are they sick to death with taking people to Niagara Falls. They couldn't care less if they never see the Falls again. When people come to stay, they now tell them: "Go and see Niagara Falls if you like, but don't expect us to come along and see the bloody thing!" (Things? Thing?)
There might be an idea for a series of books here, introducing people who live in a place what they should go and see. London for Londoners. The Billericay That Nobody Knows. The Liverpool That Nobody Likes.
Anything in this letter appeal to you?
Love, Miles
6 December 2007
Dear Gill,
I have just had a thought about the book outlined in my previous letter.
What about a small change to the title?
Instead of calling it A Hundred Things To Do Before You Die by Miles Kington, what about it calling it A Hundred Things To Do Before I Die by Miles Kington? Thus introducing an element of blackmail into the whole business. If Patty Schulz can do it, so can I. Just a thought.
Love, Miles
10 December 2007
Dear Gill,
I now realise that there is a strong possibility that my dog and cat might outlive me.
Less likely with the cat, who is fourteen and quite an old lady, even though she still behaves like a teenager. Only this morning she climbed on my lap while I was working, which was, as it always is, a) very sweet b) a bloody nuisance. She won't be around for much longer, I fear.
But our dog, Berry, is a healthy 10-year-old springer spaniel who has got at least another five years in him, probably more. I had always put to the back of my mind the thought of his final decline and death, which was bound to come when I was about seventy, especially if we finally had to have him put down.
Now, though, I see that I might be the first one to go, which puts things in a very different light.
He might not realise that I am going to die, for a start. He doesn't know about death. As I lie expiring, surrounded by people who got tickets for the event in time, how do I know that as I open my mouth and prepare to utter my carefully prepared and rehearsed last words, he may not burst in and demand to be taken for a walk?
And that my last words, after all that, will turn out to be: "Oh, for God's sake, not now, Berry!"
I have not mentioned him anywhere in my will, and yet I suppose he is a dependent of sorts. More than most, really. Should I not cater for him as well? If only to stop him asking me if I have got all my affairs sorted out?
"... To my dog Berry, who was the only one of my close ones NOT to ask if had got my affairs sorted out, I therefore in gratitude leave... Everything." Tempting.
And people seem to do well out of pet books. What do you think, in my case, of How to say Goodbye to a Dog (And How To Leave it All Your Money, If You Have To.)
It's an idea.
Love, Miles

The Kington letters: Final words of a comic genius (part 1)

Ever the master humorist, Miles Kington kept readers laughing right up to the end. But at the time of his death last week, the 'Independent' columnist was also working on a literary farewell - a series of typically brilliant letters to his friend and agent, Gill Coleridge...



12 November 2007


Dear Gill
About a year ago, I said I wanted to do another book. That is, I was going to write it and you were going to sell it.
Fine, you said. What kind of book?
A bestseller, I said. Something that will be so funny that everyone will buy it, even when it isn't Christmas, and which will bring back dignity to the Humour shelves in bookshops, which are presently occupied by miserable things called Is It Me, Or Is Everywhere A Crap Town? or Why Are Penguins Camouflaged Like That, When There Aren't Any Head Waiters In The Antarctic?
Fine, you said. Got any ideas?
One thing at a time, I said. First I get the urge to write the book. Which I have already got! Then later I get the idea for the book.
Fine, you said. Let me know when you have got a good idea for a book.
Well, I think I have now got a good idea for a book which, oddly enough, was not one I thought of, but was given to me by a doctor, quite by accident.
As you know, I went into hospital in spring 2007 to have my liver looked at, because blood tests showed that my liver was misbehaving. Almost immediately they discovered the reason: I had contracted an unusual genetic disease called haemochromatosis, which makes it difficult for the body to absorb iron, so my bloodstream had become abnormally high in iron content.
(This might explain why I was being so often stopped by security people in airports. Even after I had emptied all my pockets and taken off all my metal accessories, I was still setting off the alarm when I went through the metal detector. They could never find any reason for it. But it may have been the high metal content of my blood... at least, so I claimed in a piece I wrote about it at the time.)
Haemochromatosis is no big deal and can be cleared up by a programme of blood-letting. (Every time you lose the blood, the body makes some more, and the new blood is all iron-free.) But they then spotted some trouble in my bile duct and decided to insert a plastic pipe to open up a small blockage. Then they decided to take out my gall bladder. When they did that, they spotted some irregularities in my liver and pancreas, and decided to take some samples, and it was after looking closely at those that they decided I had got cancer. Nosy parkers.
Cancer of the pancreas, it was. This was unfortunate, because, as a doctor friend of mine said to me, "that's not one of the nice ones". Not much research work has been done on it, you can't operate on it, and even chemotherapy does little more than arrest the process. So, at the age of 66, I suddenly found that my expected lifespan of another twenty years at least had shrunk dramatically.
The surgeon who had operated on me was surprisingly upbeat. "Don't think of yourself as dying," he said. "We are all dying anyway. Just think that you now know what you are going to die of. Up to now, it might have been a heart attack, or a stroke. But now we're pretty sure it's going to be cancer. Though not for ages, yet. With luck."
The oncologist who did the follow-up chat was less upbeat. "Statistically you will be doing well if you are still hale and hearty a year from now."
That was a shock. It was what finally brought me up short. Till that moment, I had been unsure what to think. My mind was full of images of writers cut off in their prime, and of La Dame aux Camélias, and of having to give up wine, and of seeing weeping relatives round my deathbed – in other words, I was full of self-pity – but suddenly all this miasma of hand-wringing crystallised into one single thought: I did not have as much time left as I thought in which to do all the important things of life, such as:
Sorting out the family finances.
Finally getting round to seeing American Beauty.
Writing a book for you.
But it did dimly occur to me at last that I had the glimmerings of an idea for a book for you. People who have been told they have cancer are sometimes brave enough to start writing books about their experience, and how they came to terms with it. For instance, the chap who was married to Nigella Lawson, whose name I can never remember. He did it. He got the TV cameras in as well, I believe. There was a woman called Picardie too, wasn't there? Ruth? Something like that. And there was a French comedian called Pierre Desproges, who I always rather liked the sound of, because not only did he write funny stuff, he also had a weekly radio or TV spot in France on which he delivered his quirky views on the week's news, and in which his newly diagnosed cancer became a weekly character. Until he died.
I also purchased a book while I was in Canada, called Typing, by Matt Cohen. Matt Cohen was a not very old writer who had suddenly been given another six months to live before he died of lung cancer, and decided to spend the time writing his memoirs, Typing. They were brilliant.
Apart from the Cohen, I have never read any of these books. I tend to shy away from bad news. But I know that a writer wouldn't devote his last months to writing about cancer if there wasn't some money in it. I'd like to do the same. Mark you, I think phrases like, "cashing in on cancer" give quite the wrong impression. What I mean is, "making cancer work for its living".
What do you think?
Love, Miles



17 November 2007


Dear Gill,
No, you are right. Although I had said I had come up with an idea for a book, I hadn't done anything of the sort. I had only come up with an idea for an idea for a book. I still have to think of an angle.
You ask me if I have mentioned this idea for an idea for a book to anyone. Yes, I have, but only to one person. To the oncologist at the hospital.
Actually, I think you would have been quite proud of my professionalism during our little interview. When he was patiently explaining to me the pros and cons of various treatments, and his views on alternative cancer treatments (described to me by one doctor I know as "an expensive way of buying love"), he said at one point: "Do you have any questions?"
I can never think of proper questions at that moment, except for cowardly ones ("Is it going to hurt a lot?") or unanswerable ones ("Will it stop me from playing the double bass?"), but this time I knew what I wanted to ask. I wanted to ask: "Can I get a book out of this?"
I am experienced enough to know by now that you have to be a bit more oblique than that, especially when talking to amateurs, so I toned the question down and we had the following exchange:
Me: "How many stages will this go through?"
Him: "How do you mean – stages?"
Me: "Well... how many chapter headings?"
Him: "Chapter headings?"
Me: "Yes. I mean, if one were, to take a wild example, writing a book about this experience, how many sections do you think it would fall into?"
Him: "Sections?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "Well... Look, I'm going to reverse the normal pattern here, and I am going to ask you a question."
Me: "Fire away."
Him: "Are you planning to write a book about this?"
Me: "It had occurred to me, yes."
Him: "I have to tell you I don't think you will have enough time to write a proper book about your cancer."
Me: "That's a bit unfair. You may be very good at giving people time limits when they are suffering from cancer, but I am not sure how much of an expert you are when it comes to saying how long it takes to write a book."
Him: "No, perhaps not, but I know how long it takes to get to grips with a subject as complex as cancer, especially when new research is going on the whole time..."
Me: "Research? No, no, no! You've got it all wrong! I'm not thinking of a text book! I don't want to produce a research work on cancer! I'm only thinking of a personal journal!"
Him: "Personal journal?"
Me: "Yes."
Him: "I don't quite..."
Me: "Well, writers quite like to turn their experiences into books, you know, and that includes their illnesses. You know, like Dennis Potter did with his psoriasis in The Singing Detective. But it's more fashionable these days to turn it into a first-person account, as John Walsh did."
Him: "And that's what you're going to do?"
Me: "I was thinking of it."
Him: "Well, good. That would be jolly good therapy, I would think."
It wasn't till later that I realised he had obviously never heard of John Walsh, which was just as well, because I wasn't thinking of John Walsh at all. I was thinking of John Diamond, the late Mr Nigella Lawson.
Mark you, it was an understandable mistake on my part. John Walsh has written a series of amiable autobiographies in each of which he has viewed the same lifespan through different prisms. Once as growing up with his favourite films; one as growing up Irish in London, and therefore also with Catholicism; once as something else quite different, I think, but I can't remember what. Once or twice a week in The Independent he continues an account of his life as a once-or-twice-a-week-in-The-Independent journalist. I would feel suitably downcast if John Walsh did really contract cancer, because sure as eggs are eggs, he would write a witty, sparkling, Catholic, Irish, film-loving book about his life with cancer, and get there before me, curse him.
The next time I met the oncologist, he asked me again if I had any questions.
Me: "Yes. Are you writing a book about cancer?"
Him: "Yes, I am. How on earth did you know that?"
Me: "It was something you said last time. When you were anxious about me writing a book. You said you didn't think I would have enough time."
Him: "Well, I have been working on mine for twenty years already, and it's not nearly finished..."
No competition there, then. And a bit of a clue. He doesn't think I have another twenty years left. But I never did either, even before I had cancer.
I see I haven't really come up with an idea for a book in this letter either. Next time, then!
Love, Miles

Obama's speech at the Gridiron DInner- Part 2

For those who didnt get the first post, here is wan article Thanks to the Chicago Tribune.

It turns out that Sen. Barack Obama not only has impeccable timing and creative writers, but the freshman Democratic senator from Illinois who has arrived in Washington to exceedingly great expectations among leaders of a party desperately in need of new leaders also can sing.

And when Obama had a chance in the spotlight tonight at the annual dinner of The Gridiron Club to poke some fun at the Bush administration, lampoon Vice President Dick Cheney's hunting mishap and even take a few pokes at himself and his own party, he rolled it all out with extraordinary ease. He unloosed a song to boot, sung to the tune of "If I Only Had a Brain,'' with the punch-line landing on John McCain.

Obama's standup was a hard act to follow. Ask President Bush, who closed the four-hour, white-tie dinner in a ballroom of a Washington hotel with a few jokes of his own but seemed at a loss for return fire.

"Sen. Obama, I want to do a joke on you,'' Bush said. "But doing a joke on you is like doing a joke on the Pope. Give me something to work with… Mispronounce something.

''Lynne Cheney, the vice president's wife, also followed Obama with a de rigeur Republican response, noting with a sense of irony that the senator had "emerged'' from his "shell."

"There is one good thing about speaking this late,'' she said. "All the hunting jokes have been used up.

''Most of them were used up by Obama, who opened with a show of pleasure for the "extravaganza'' of the evening, attended by Bush, Cheney, half the Cabinet, Chief Justice John Roberts Jr., the chairman of the joint chiefs of staff and a cast of media stars at a perenially private, "Closed Press'' event.

"Men in tails. Women in gowns,'' Obama marveled. "An orchestra playing, as folks reminisce about the good old days. Kind of like dinner at the Kerrys.

"Nice to see you, Mr. President and Mrs. Bush,'' Obama said to the president seated to his right and first lady to his left. "I think it takes a great spirit for the president, who we all know is an early riser, to sit here until midnight and hear himself lampooned, when he could be back at the White House enjoying a quiet, peaceful night, watching TV and approving secret wiretaps.

''Wielding a script for which Democratic political consultant David Axelrod bears a great amount of credit, Obama noted the absence of Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice: "You know, the president promised a muscular foreign policy. And anyone who's seen the Condi Rice workout tapes knows he means business.

"The truth is, I'm terrified to be here,'' he said. "Not because you're such a tough audience, but because they're serving drinks. I'm standing about 30 yards from the vice president, and I'm a lawyer. The only thing that could make this more dangerous is if he considered me a friend.

"Mr. vice president, I know you came here expecting to be a target, which, it turns out, may prove easier for you than shooting at one,'' said Obama, having fun with Cheney's recent accidental shooting and wounding of Texas attorney Harry Whittington on a quail-hunting trip in Texas. "But I do want to thank you. For years, we Democrats have succeeded in doing little more than shooting ourselves in the foot.

"You've taught us a valuable lesson,'' Obama told Cheney. "Aim higher.''

Cheney found himself pulling at his eyeglasses to wipe tears of laughter at times, though the president seemed to find less ready humor in Obama's remarks. Obama honed in on Cheney.

"There's probably only one person more sick of these jokes than you, and that's your wife,'' Obama continued, hammering on the accident which took the vice president's office nearly a day to publicly reveal.

"It's an honor to share this stage with Lynne Cheney – a great personage in her own right,'' Obama said. "Scholar. Author. A few years ago, she wrote a book called, Telling the Truth, or as they call it in the vice president's office, Telling the truth – 24 hours later.

"This appearance is really the capstone of an incredible 18 months,'' Obama said, turning to his own brief career in the U.S. Senate. "I've been very blessed. Keynote speaker at the Democratic convention. The cover of Newsweek. My book made the best-seller list. I just won a Grammy for reading it on tape. And I've had the chance to speak not once but twice before the Gridiron Club.

"Really, what else is there to do?'' he asked. "Well, I guess I could pass a law or something."

About that book, some folks thought it was a little presumptuous to write an autobiography at the age of 33,'' the senator said. "But people seemed to like it. So now I'm working on volume two – the Senate months. My remarkable journey from 99th in seniority to 98th.

"Believe me, when you're the last guy to ask questions at every committee hearing, you have plenty of time to collect your thoughts,'' he said. "Especially when Joe Biden's on the committee.

"I'll tell you, that Grammy was a big surprise. I thought, for sure Jack Abramoff would win for his rendition of 'It's hard Out Here for a Pimp.' (And with that line for the indicted lobbyist, Obama drew a good sound belly laugh from Bush, who of course maintains that he doesn't know Abramoff.)

"This whole ethics thing has been an adventure,'' said Obama, cast by his party to help seek ethical reforms in the aftermath of the Abramoff scandal. "I was really excited when they asked me to be the lead Democratic spokesman. But I don't know. Turns out, it's a little like being given the Kryptonite concession at a Superman convention. I mean, how did I know it was a freshman hazing? Maybe I can explain it this way:'

'And with that introduction, the band struck up a familiar refrain from The Wizard of Oz, and Obama proceeded to sing from the podium, with a steady, unflinching, and even in-tune delivery of a song about the senator from Arizona with a reputation as a maverick and potential Republican candidate for president in 2008 with whom Obama recently shared a rough-edged exchange of letters:

"I'm aspiring to greatness, but somehow I feel weightless.
A freshman's sad refrain.
I could be a great uniter, making ethics rules much tighter,
If I only had McCain.

"I could bring us all together, no storm we couldn't weather.
We'd feel each other's pain.Red and blue wouldn't matter, party differences would shatter,
If I only had McCain.

"Oh why is it so hard, for honest men of good will to agree.
If we ever found a way to strike a deal, would we survive… politically?

"When a wide-eyed young idealist confronts a seasoned realist,
there's bound to be some strain.
With the game barely started, I'd be feeling less downhearted,
If I only had McCain.

"Still I hope for the better, though I may rewrite my letter,
cause I gotta have McCain.

''Obama offered an unnecessary apology for his solo peformance:
"Needless to say, my Grammy was in the spoken word category.

"I should say that I really do get along well with Sen. McCain,'' Obama told the reporters and editors filling the hotel ballroom. "But as you know, not everyone in politics does. Because of his superstar status, his virtuous image, the kind of hero worship treatment he gets from all of 'you, some of my colleagues call John a prima dona. Me? I call him a role model.

"Think of it as affirmative action,'' he said. "Why should the white guys be the only ones who are overhyped?''The night was incomplete without a mention of Valerie Plame, the CIA agent whose identity was revealed by members of the Bush administration, prompting a federal prosecutor's investigation that has led to the indictment and resignation of Cheney's former chief of staff, Scooter Libby.

"By the way, before I forget,'' Obama told the audience. "Raise your hand if Karl Rove didn't tell you about Valerie Plame.

"Some folks say you've lost your investigative intensity,'' Obama said. "You were a little slow to question the weapons of mass destruction. Maybe got a little used on that whole Valerie Plame thing. But, by God, you brought Dick Cheney to justice, and the world's better off for it.

"Or, at least Gridiron speakers and late-night comedians were better off for it.''

Turning for not quite equal time on his party, Obama said: "You know, the Gridiron Club is an aging institution with a long, proud history, known today primarily for providing a forum for jokes.

"To some,'' he said, "that may sound like the Democratic Party."

You hear this constant refrain from our critics that Democrats don't stand for anything. That's really unfair,'' he said. "We do stand for anything."

Some folks say the answer for the Democratic Party is to stop being so calculating and start standing up for principle,'' he said. "In fact (Senate Minority Leader) Harry Reid's appointed a task force to study this option.

"The Republicans have been poking fun at Democrats for not being united behind a single voice in our party,'' Obama said. "I think that's unfair, and it smacks a little of sexism. And just because the leading voice in our party is a strong-willed, outspoken liberal woman with a famous husband does not mean the Democrats are adrift…. And I, for one, want to thank Barbra Streisand for her great leadership.

"I'm sick of people attacking Democrats as being out of touch, saying we lose elections because we're all a bunch of snobby intellectuals who can't speak the common man's language,'' he said.

"I mean, what kind of a supercilious argument is that?

"Take John Edwards. He's leading a new war on poverty – from his Chapel Hill estate. And he's educating us. I had no idea there was so much poverty in New Hampshire.''

(Cheney's glasses were starting to come off again.)

"Speaking of New Hampshire, a lot of speculation that that 2008 campaign could come down to Sen. McCain and Hillary Clinton. The thing I don't think people realize is how much John and Hillary have in common. They're both very smart. Both very hard-working. And they're both hated by Republicans.''

(Both Bush and Cheney seemed to alight on that line.)

"I mean, wow, it really has been a rough period for you, Mr. President,'' Obama said. "I missed the Oscars, so when I picked up the paper the next morning and saw Crash in the headlines, I just assumed it was another Bush poll story.

"And how about that ports deal?'' he added, with a reference to the attempted takeover of several U.S. port operations by an Arab firm and a shot at Bush's experience with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.. "I feel for you, sir. It's tough getting trapped in a storm, when no one comes to help.''

"And then there's the flap about global warming,'' Obama said. "You know, the Bush administration's been a little skeptical about the whole concept of global warming. It's actually not the warming part they question. It's the globe…. The president was so excited about Tom Friedman's book, The World is Flat. As soon as he saw the title, he said, 'You see? I was right.''

'"But when people say the administration is hostile to science, that's really a bad rap. Just last week, they asked for a hundred million dollars for the NIH to fund new research into leech therapy.

"I was told that this dinner is off the record,'' Obama said, moving on to the National Security Agency's warrantless domestic eavesdropping in search for terrorists. "No taping or recording of this event, unless, of course, secretly authorize by the president. I completely trust the president with that authority, by the way. But just out of an abundance of caution, and not implying anything, I've asked my staff to conduct all phone conversations in the Kenyan dialect of Luo.

"Truth is, this domestic spying has all kinds of useful applications for homeland security,'' he said. "And I have a suggestion in this regard, Mr. President: you can spy on the Weather Channel, and find out when big storms are coming.

"You all watch the winter Olympics?'' he asked. "I'm sure a lot of us in politics were following that figure skating, because we can identify with performers who spin wildly and sometimes fall on their butts… I also enjoyed that biathlon, where they ski and shoot at the same time…

"Probably not your sport, Mr. Vice President.

''Obama closed with obligatory praise for the work of the free press that served as host for his humor, something echoed by Lynne Cheney as well – for Bush's part, he closed with a few jokes about improving his relations with the press, including Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld's plan to amend the First Amendment. Instead of a free press, Bush said Rumsfeld was looking at "free checking.

''But Obama also closed with thanks for all the celebrity he has found during his brief tenure here.

"Most of all, I want to thank you for all the generous advance coverage you've given me in anticipation of a successful career,'' he said. "When I actually do something, we'll let you know.''

SEN. BARACK OBAMA'S GRIDIRON SPEECH

This speech at the Gridiron Dinner in the first week of April 2006 is really filled with humor! Anyone with a sesne of humor should read this.

SEN. BARACK OBAMA'S GRIDIRON SPEECH
Thank you very much:
It's great to be at the Gridiron dinner. Wow, What an extravaganza! Men in tails. Women in gowns. An orchestra playing, as folks reminisce about the good old days. Kind of like dinner at the Kerrys.


Nice to see you Mr. President and Mrs. Bush. I think it takes a great spirit for the President, who we all know is an early riser, to sit here until midnight and hear himself lampooned, when he could be back at the White House enjoying a quiet, peaceful night, watching TV and approving secret wiretaps.

I don't see the Secretary of State is here tonight. You know, the President promised a muscular foreign policy. And anyone who's seen the Condi Rice workout tapes knows he means business.

The truth is, I'm terrified to be here. Not because you're such a tough audience, but because they're serving drinks, I'm standing about 30 yards from the Vice President, and…Mr. Vice President this is too easy!
Mr. Vice President, I know you came here expecting to be a target, which, it turns out, may prove easier for you than shooting at one. But I do want to thank you: for years, we Democrats have succeeded in doing little more than shooting ourselves in the foot. You've taught us a valuable lesson: aim higher.

There's probably only one person more sick of these jokes than you… and that's your wife. It's an honor to share this stage with Lynne Cheney -- a great personage in her own right. Scholar. Author. A few years ago she wrote a book called, “Telling the Truth,��? or as they call it in the Vice President's office, “Telling the Truth-24 hours later.��?

The Vice President and I do have one thing in common, we both married up. I want to acknowledge my wife, Michelle, who is here tonight. This is a true story: a friend sent me a clip about a new study by a psychologist at the University of Scotland, who says sex before a public speaking engagement actually enhances your oratorical powers. I showed this clip to Michelle, before we arrived here tonight. She looked it over, handed it back and said, “Do the best you can!��?

This appearance is really the capstone of an incredible 18 months. I've been very blessed. Keynote speaker at the Democratic Convention. The cover of Newsweek. My book made the best-seller list. I just won a Grammy for reading it on tape. And I've had the chance to speak not once but twice before the Gridiron Club. Really what else is there to do? Well, I guess…. I could pass a law, or something…

About that book, some folks thought it was a little presumptuous to write an autobiography at the age of 33, but people seemed to like it. So now I'm working on volume two-the Senate Months.

My Remarkable Journey from 99th in Seniority to 98th.

(With an introduction by Nelson Mandela.)

Believe me, when you're the last guy to ask questions at every committee hearing, you have plenty of time to collect your thoughts. Especially when Joe Biden's on the committee.

I'll tell you, that Grammy was a big surprise. I thought, for sure, Jack Abramoff would win for his rendition of “It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp.��?

As I said, it's great to be here speaking opposite Lynne Cheney. As you may know, Mrs. Cheney was a late substitution for Senator John McCain. And speaking of Senator McCain.

This whole ethics thing has been an adventure. I was really excited when they asked me to be the lead Democratic spokesman. But I don't know. Turns out, it's a little like being given the Kryptonite concession at a Superman convention. I mean, how did I know it was a freshman hazing? It gets a little depressing. So as I sometimes do when I get a little down, I wrote a song. Maestro?

(To the tune of “If I Only Had a Brain��?)

I'm aspiring to greatness, but somehow I feel weightless
A freshman's sad refrain
I could be a great uniter, making ethics rules much tighter
If I only had McCain

I could bring us all together, no storm we couldn't weather,

We'd feel each other's pain
Red and blue wouldn't matter, party differences would shatter
If I only had McCain

Oh why is it so hard, for honest men of good will to agree,
If we ever found a way to strike a deal, would we survive… politically?

When a wide-eyed young idealist, confronts a seasoned realist
There's bound to be some strain
With the game barely started, I'd be feeling less downhearted
If I only had McCain

Still I hope for the better, though I may rewrite my letterCause I gotta have McCainNeedless to say, my Grammy was in the spoken word category!

I should say that I really do get along well with Senator McCain. But as you know, not everyone in politics does. Because of his superstar status, his virtuous image, the kind of hero worship treatment he gets from all of you, some of my colleagues call John a prima donna. Me? I call him a role model. (Think of it as affirmative action. Why should the white guys be the only ones who are overhyped?)

By the way, before I forget, raise your hand if Karl Rove didn't tell you about Valerie Plame?

You know, The Gridiron Club is an aging institution with a long, proud history, known today primarily for providing a forum for jokes. To some, that may sound like the Democratic Party.

You hear this constant refrain from our critics that Democrats don't stand for anything. That's really unfair. We DO stand for anything.

Some folks say the answer for the Democratic Party is to stop being so calculating, and start standing up for principle. In fact, Harry Reid's appointed a task force to study this option.

But really, they say our party doesn't have ideas? We have ideas.

Take John Edwards. He's leading a new war on poverty… from his Chapel Hill estate. And he's educating us. I had no idea there was so much poverty in New Hampshire!

Speaking of New Hampshire, a lot of speculation that that 2008 campaign could come down to Senator McCain and Hillary Clinton. The thing I don't think people realize is how much John and Hillary have in common: They're both very smart. Both very hardworking. And they're both hated by the Republicans!

A lot of folks want to be President, but, I mean, wow, it really has been a rough period for you, Mr. President. I missed the Oscars, so when I picked up the paper the next morning and saw “Crash��? in the headlines, I just assumed it was another Bush poll story.

And how about that ports deal? I feel for you, sir. It's tough getting trapped in a storm, when no one comes up
to help!

And then there's the flap about global warming. You know, the Bush Administration's been a little skeptical about the whole concept of global warming. It's actually not the warming part they question. It's the globe.

The President was so excited about Tom Friedman's book, The World is Flat. As soon as he saw the title, he said, “You see, I was right!��?

But when people say the administration is hostile to science, that's really a bad rap. Just last week they asked for a hundred million dollars for the NIH to fund new research into leech therapy.

I was told that this dinner is off-the record… no taping or recording of this event, unless, of course, secretly authorized by the President.

I completely trust the President with that authority, by the way. But just out of an abundance of caution, and not implying anything, I've asked my staff to conduct all phone conversations in the Kenyan dialect of Luo.

Truth is, this domestic spying has all kinds of useful applications for Homeland Security. And I have a suggestion, in this regard, Mr. President: You can spy on the Weatherchannel, and find out when big storms are coming.

You all watch the winter Olympics? Mrs. Bush was there, representing our country, and that was great. I'm sure a lot of us in politics were following that figure skating, because we can identify with performers who spin wildly and sometimes fall on their butts.

And the curling. Wasn't that something? I hear Andy Stern from the SEIU loved the curling so much he's trying to organize the sweepers.

I also enjoyed that biathlon, where they ski and shoot at the same time. Probably not your sport, Mr. Vice President.

Hey, it's been great fun to be a part of this tonight. But before I go, I want to say a few words about the work you do.

For a democracy to succeed and flourish, people must have full and free access to information about what's going on in their world and, yes, in their government.

The framers of the Constitution understood that, which is why the very first amendment deals with the indispensable freedoms of speech and press. Those rights, those freedoms, the access to information citizens absolutely require in a democratic society are no less important today.

Pursuing that information is not always easy. Sometimes you meet resistance from powerful institutions that would sooner operate in secrecy. And sometimes, as in Iraq, you literally risk your lives to keep the American people informed.

Tonight, even as we laugh together, I want to thank you for that important and often courageous work and extend my prayers to those journalists and their families who have made and continue to make great sacrifices to fulfill this essential mission.

And most of all, I want to thank you for all the generous advance coverage you've given me in anticipation of a successful career. When I actually do something, we'll let you know.

Thanks for having me!

EXCERPTS FROM PRESIDENT BUSH``Senator Obama, I wanted to do a joke on you,'' Bush said, ``but it's like doing a joke on the Pope.''Complained Bush, ``..Give me some material to work with here. You know, mispronounce something.''

``I really chewed Dick out for the way he handled the whole thing. I said, ``Dick, I've got an approval rating of 38 percent and you shoot the only trial lawyer in the country who likes me.''

``You know, there are all these conspiracy theories that Dick runs the country...or Karl runs the country. Why aren't there any conspiracy theories that I run the country?Really ticks me off. The truth is I do run the country....by Dick runs me and Lynne runs Dick.So actually Lynne runs the country.And Lynne, I think you're doing a heckuva job.Although I have to say you dropped the ball big time on that Dubai deal.''

``And I'm proud that from across the political spectrum Republicans and Democrats, liberals and conservatives, came out in opposition to the port deal.I've always said I'm a united not a divider.''

Sunday, February 10, 2008

NRM agrees to sell govt vehicles

This artilce appeared in the Daily Monitor dated 10 Feb 2008 wittten by Chris Obore. If there us truhg in this, then ther could be something worth noting!
CHRIS OBORE
Only President, VP, Speaker and Deputy, PM to keep cars
Car repairs cost Shs68bn yearly; primary health only Shs6bn
Credibility cited in policy reform, 81bn saving expected

COMING amidst heated public debate about unequal distribution of public sector jobs, some NRM parliamentarians have released a report showing how the government’s spending priorities are skewed in favour of non-essential items such as entertainment.


The report, which was made public during a meeting of the ruling party’s parliamentary caucus on Monday last week by Mr Barnabas Tinkansimire (NRM, Buyaga), makes drastic recommendations for cost-cutting, amongst which is the wholesale offloading of government cars.

Mr Tinkansimire’s document reveals how during the 2006/07 financial year the government spent Shs10.9 billion on allowances while just Shs6 billion was spent on primary healthcare. Primary healthcare programmes mainly focus on management of common diseases such as malaria, especially in rural areas where 80 percent of Ugandans live.

Although the government has rolled out several pro-poor programmes such as agricultural extension, primary healthcare, universal primary and secondary education, the allocation of resources, especially money, does not reflect the necessary commitment to see them through.
Consequently, many critics have long pointed at the huge cost of public administration as one of the impediments to improving people’s lives in a country where 31 percent of the population lives in abject poverty.


For instance, the report notes, the government last financial year spent Shs68.5 billion on maintaining its fleet of thousands of fuel-guzzling 4WD vehicles (engine capacity ranging between 2000cc and 3500cc), while allocating a disproportionate Shs14.5 billion for the repair of district roads.

And while Shs23 billion was spent on buying fuel and oils for public vehicles, a measly Shs4.4 billion was allocated to urban road repairs, fortifying the view that taxpayers were paying more for the driving comfort of bureaucrats than for a public good like roads.

Maintenance of cars poses a particular headache with the report noting that “most government vehicles are always in garages” where they are “cannibalised … by garage owners well knowing that government will after all buy new spare parts to repair their vehicles”.

Adds the report: “On the other hand transport officers/drivers connive with garage owners to inflate bill on the job cards.”In the same period, the government spent Shs2.2 billion on “welfare and entertainment” of bureaucrats whereas it spent Shs1.5 billion on the provision of urban water.

Agricultural extension received Shs3.06 billion in the same year as the government splashed Shs10.04 billion on inland travel. A vast majority of Ugandans depend directly on agriculture for their livelihood.

The Tinkasiimire group included MPs Henry Banyenzaki (NRM, Rubanda West), Dr Chris Baryomunsi (NRM, Kinkizi East) and Dr Sam Lyomoki (NRM, Workers). In the interest of reducing spiralling public administration costs, they recommended that a car co-ownership scheme replaces the existing arrangement.

Under the scheme, ministers and civil servants would meet 50 percent of the cost of running the vehicle for five years then later own it permanently without paying taxes, which taxes will be waived.

“The [NRM] caucus adopted our report and we have been asked to sit with the ministers of Finance and Works to work out modalities on how to operationalise it,” Mr Tinkasiimire said. “After we have worked out that, we shall present a Bill to Parliament in three months.”
The MPs’ report proposes that only the President, Vice President, Prime Minister, Chief Justice, Deputy Chief Justice, Speaker and Deputy Speaker of Parliament continue enjoying transportation at the taxpayers’ cost.


Currently, all ministers, permanent secretaries, directors, senior consultants, commissioners, heads of government projects all totalling to 670 are entitled to a government vehicle.
Other categories of staff use pool vehicles.At the headquarter level alone, government vehicles numbered 12,004 by 2005, excluding all those managed under government-affiliated projects. This figure may have more than doubled considering that the total number of public officers, starting with the President, who are entitled to cars, today stands at 40,679.


In the 2006/07 financial year, Shs221 billion was budgeted to buy new vehicles reflecting the pressure that transportation of staff exerts on the country’s already limited resources.During the 7th Parliament, Prime Minister Apolo Nsibambi astonished the public when he said that ministers and other technocrats enjoy chauffeur-driven 4WD cars because Uganda’s roads are in terrible shape.

However, if the proposed co-ownership scheme is adopted by Parliament, the costs of the driver, fuel and car service will now be met by the ministers and technocrats. After all, a lot of these official cars also conduct personal business.Still, some MPs think it will not work well despite the good intentions.

“That is what the party has agreed and I can’t disagree but we tried the co-ownership scheme in 1991 and it failed,” said Mr George William Wopuwa (NRM, Bubulo East). “At the end of it all, it will be like government is buying cars for individuals by paying consolidated mileage.”
Mr Wopuwa is the chairman of Parliament’s Committee on Public Service and Local Government. He said that some officers will park their cars at home and go to office to (mis)use the few remaining government vehicles.


“The biggest problem is that the people supposed to control the use of cars are normally the ones who flout the regulations,” Mr Wopuwa said.

But Mr Tinkasiimire said they have conducted studies in countries like Rwanda, Botswana, Namibia and Mauritius where co-ownership works.

Further, using the 2006/07 budget estimates, the report says that co-ownership would eventually guarantee a net annual saving of Shs81.9 billion in fuel and maintenance costs.
Mr Tinkasiimire’s report concludes that “this reform will be seen as pro-poor …. [and] it will give government more credibility amongst the local population and donor community”.


SELECTED GOVT EXPENDITURE AT A GLANCE
MINISTRY BUDGETS
Amount
Allowances to officials 10,926,500,000
Inland travel 10,043,703,000
Grants to ministries 6,015,565,000
Grants to ministries 7,764,203,000
Welfare and entertainment 2,258,836,000
Fuel and oils 23,454,685,000
Maintenance of vehicles 68,538,035,000
KEYLOCAL GOVT SERVICES
Primary Health Care development 6,095,700,000
Agriculture extension 3,060,225,000
District equalisation grant 3,494,160,000
Functional adult literacy 1,597,760,000
Urban water 1,503,910,000
Urban roads 4,404,595,000
District roads 14,510,969,000
SOURCE: Ministry of Finance (Budget 2006/2007)

Friday, February 8, 2008

My bang will last!

No, I actually re-read my post, and I decided that I was wrong on the conclusion! I didn’t just want to fill in the spaces! If you had read the entire post from the beginning, it had an objective, and aim, perhaps an attempt at humour, or casting away boredom.

Which spaces am I seeking to fill by the way? Before my last post, my blog summary said something like that 10 posts since December 19 2007. This is not too bad a frequency of writing! That translates to about 3 posts a month, and that’s considering that February has hardly begun!

Ok, let me break it down for the sceptics....these means 10 posts in 48 days! Assuming, each post if contains 300 characters (and this is being very modest by the way!), it means I post an average of 17 words per day! Now that’s better than many people how have a phobia for writing! If u disagree, with my conclusions, I will advise you to go and read my assumptions above! As a true scientist, I will always make certain (favourable) assumptions to support my assertions! How many people can beat that? Both the scientific blah-blah and the wordy me!

Ok, I will improve on that character-per-day record! I will write more, and I don’t mean number of words, but sensible words! Instead we shall now have 17 sensible-things-per days! That itself was quite a record! Considering, all that you (and I mean YOU) read and watch everyday...what percentage s sensible? Sensible in that it builds you up, make you a better person, make you get out of your comfort zones, make a positive (emphasised here) difference in the world that you live in! Ok, the notion of the world might too grand for you, ok, lets say in your house, community or sphere of influence!

17 sensible things a day would perhaps win me a prize! What prize? It is yet to be even named! Do I need a prize? As I figure out that question, I have just realised that I have ranted enough in this blog!

But essentially I am back with a bang...the only question i have to answer is how long the bang will last! I hope its not like the big-bang theorists who think the profound design of this universe done in a in in instant bang! Hopefully, my “bang” will last! Ceteris peribus!

Long time!

Phew! It’s been so long! I mean since I last posted a blog on this page- on my own page! What were u thinking, uh?

Well, it’s because I have been kind of busy...busy reading and doing many other useful things! At least they have been useful things- like reading...unlike some of you who have been occupied with the thoughts of how you can take your share in the greedy scramble for the little available! Even if it means causing bodily or otherwise emotional harm to the other parts of humanity! You have been planning it all carefully-sort of subtle planning that makes a soon to be chess champion jealous! Now, you know whom I am talking about, don’t you?

Alright, aright...thanks! I acknowledge that welcome back” toast! Did u miss me that much? Is that the right spelling of toast? I was just pulling your leg...I am not even sure i will get the right answer...there are not very many Englsih speakers these days...if you doubt, you should listen to some the BBC broadcasters themselves! I hope the Queen is too busy taking care of her monarchy to even listen to some gibberism!

Well, I was saying (before someone distracted me with that patronising-welcome-back-thing) that I have made a new resolution that I will keep you posted every now and then, especially on what I have been thinking and/or reading. Now when I say “new resolution”, it doesn’t mean that I have already broken my old resolutions, it means something else. I will not get into that now, that will be fodder for another article! Am smiling because I have finally got something to write about next time!

For the second time, what did I want to say in this post? It’s amazing, you are still reading my post, and you think I have said something, and yet I think haven’t said anything! Somehow, two people with different perspective, but the objective is still being fulfilled- that u read as I write- or is it vice versa!

Did I just want to just fill in the missing spaces? The come-back-kid sort of thing! On second thoughts, this phrase Come-back kid has been overused used! From Hillary Clinton to John McCain to many others that you remember! Question is, who really is a come back kid! You know, kind of like show up and sign the attendance sheet...and yet i was actually dozing off (former students or errant workers know what am talking about-not al those who went to school qualify to be former students! Don’t ask me how; this is fodder for my next-next article. PHEW!)

Yes, I will keep you posted on what I have read! Post you have missed! If by now, you are wondering which of my non-existent posts you missed, and then it means that either you have been looking in the wrong places/blogs OR you plain have never attempted to look at all, which means that you have not been reading! Finally, it could also mean that you have been reading rubbish! You need a doctor to check what your brain has been storing! Goodness, I wish I were some literal doctor, I would cash in on this one!

It’s really amazing what some people feed their minds on! But then some people have decided hat we live in an era of relativism, so I will live you to your opinion on what is interesting! After all everyone is unique- like everyone else, isn’t it?! It’s more a soccer referee awarding a dubious goal, so 3 points wrongly or rightly lost or won, and then again this depends on which side you are!

What did I want to say in this post? I don’t know! Maybe you are right; I just wanted to fill in the spaces!