The idiot’s guide to winning an election in Africa

The followng articel written by Nicholas Ssengoba appeared in the Daily Monitor, November 13, 2007

Pumbavu” the Kiswahili word for “foolish” could easily pass as Kenyan President, Emilio Mwai Kibaki’s favourite pejorative which causes laughter whenever he liberally uses it at rallies to ridicule and put down his opponents. Trouble is that, what the opinion polls are saying about Kibaki’s chances at the presidential election slated for December 27, 2007 is no laughing matter.

Kibaki risks falling into the enigmatic category of the great African wa pumbabavu; i.e the rare species of incumbent African leaders, who while in office organise elections, stand and lose to a (mere) challenger.

With the countless number of times The idiot’s guide to winning an African election, has been updated, a president would have to be irredeemably foolish to come second at the polls. Like the typical African man who has the daunting task of tasting the meat (and picking out the choicest pieces) before any member of the family, the president in Africa has the unenviable burden of hand-picking the Electoral Commission (EC) to “his satisfaction”.

The affluently facilitated EC quickly studies the complex theory regarding the relationship between the payer, the piper plus the tune, then goes about organising “a free and fair election” with gusto.

Miracles start to happen when cleaning the voters register. The dead come to life, while the living, especially where the incumbent is unpopular becomes the “living dead”.

Coming after this fashion later at the polls, the EC sends the wrong register to the right polling station or the ballot papers without the voters register or better still the ballot boxes without the ballot papers rendering the whole process a shambles.

Meanwhile, the president uses the massive funds he has amassed over the years (the ones that make the Mo Ibrahim prize unnecessary) to bait elements into defecting from his opponents camps. Several political parties thereafter emerge under the pretext that this reflects the “pluralism and maturity of a democracy”. In effect the president’s rival’s votes are scattered.

The campaign period is the best time to implement some “sensitive” aspects of the manifesto (remember it?) The incumbent breaks the bank and starts distributing “seed money” towards “self-help groups” on the eve of the election as his relentless effort towards “poverty alleviation” with the promise of better things to come if they vote for “continuity”.

Also he creates districts out of as many counties as possible purportedly to take services closer to the people, in fact creating jobs for hangers on.

Since leaders are chosen by God, the incumbent creates an alliance with churches, and “facilitates” them to preach a gospel that promotes his cause. The gullible flock is made to understand that their pastor had a vision whereby the Almighty promised miracles to those who vote the incumbent and curses to those who “waste” their votes.

In the background, the police and the army expeditiously “enforce law and order” to ensure the polls take place in a “peaceful environment” devoid of “intimidated voters”. They devotedly disperse the opponent’s crowd, jailing and canning “troublesome” fellows. The press is made to “visit” the police from time to time for “consultations” on stories that are considered “biased” against the incumbent.

Elsewhere, the incumbent exploits his position and uses all state facilities for his campaign. He freely gets all the time on state radio and television which have the widest coverage, under the guise of a countrywide tour to sensitise citizen on “developmental matters”. The opponents with their meager finances are left to buy expensive airtime from private radio and television stations.

Since in Africa we are not so good at counting, as it is abominable to count our children, wives and cows, the EC understandably finds trouble adding up the votes even with the help of computers and signed tally sheets.

Added, some subversive election officials who “hate” the sitting president credit him with some of his opponents’ votes to “punish” him with the “unpleasant” task of running “his” backward country and taking all the insults by the press.

By this time, the cadre judges appointed before hand, will be ready to deliver those “it was theft, but not theft enough” judgments in case any misguided opponent goes to the courts seeking justice.

And because the African State is perennially a “young democracy” stuck at the “learning stage”, the result will be accepted and life will go on. And if all this works out well Kibaki, lift those term limits. Politics isn’t a school nor are politicians school boys to be limited by “terms”. Then you may rule for life, thereafter.

It is never too late in Africa. Kibaki, look at the happy neighbour on the western side of your house; you could learn a trick or two.

Leave State House Nairobi unceremoniously like a chicken thief, after only five years is not an option. It is very uncomfortable for an elder to sit among the wa pumbavu!
nicholassengoba@yahoo.com